Danni

Two nights in a row I cried for you, Leeza, but for the first time I was able to feel more joy than anger. For the first time I did not cry because I am angry about our lost and and lack of preparation to prevent what happened. I feel joy because I can remember you at your best and how you influenced me and my sister to be better people; to be fearless of the unknown and to keep our chins up despite any circumstances.

My post on your facebook wall:

I remember...

During Culture Show rehearsals, the first year I asked you and Susan to join CSS, you were in the Prisoner Dance skit coordinated by Diana. I remember you saying that you don't know how to leap or dance but you said you wanted to learn and you were going to try anyhow. One of the things I love most about ...you is that you were always willing to try and you didn't let any challenges stop you from doing something. You were open minded and I admire you for your courage and willingness to take risks with total optimism.

I love you and miss you very much. ♥

I await for a better day, one where I am not crying, upset, angry or depressed. This year, it has been a year of more negative karma than positive. This year just has not been a good year.

I lost two friends, well one friend and an aquaintance, whom were both officers of an organization I am still an officer of. They know who they are and know what they did whether or not they think it was immoral. That information will have to be un-disclosed. I dealt with the president of the organization who almost chased away all of our members and supporters and still think she did a fantastic job as president. I tried to be her friend and helped her be a better leader, but she thought she needed no help and was amazing. Her, I don't mind having her not be my friend, I actually prefer not to have two-faced liars and thief as a friend. Oh yeah, this goes for the other officer as well.

On my birthday, I had class, work, and a CSS meeting/culture show rehearsal to attend. Instead of celebrating my birthday and being joyful, I had an alumni call me and expressed her disappoint to me about the organization and the president's lack of leadership skills. I cried because I knew I couldn't do anything to change what already happened. I was angry that this  alumni had to express her disappointment to me instead of taking it up to the president. I was upset because I knew how disappointed the community and members were of the organization and leaders. I knew I wasn't going to celebrate my birthday because there were so many other things going on so I decided I would not acknowledge that day as "my day."

Last semester I passed only one of my four classes and is now on financial probation. This semester I started out one month behind schedule and is still behind in all of my classes. I don't expect to pass at least two of my classes. I am failing ESP 300i and POSC 100. I have not turned in one projekt in DESN 132B and is late on one assignment in DESN 246. People are asking if CSS is the cause of my lack of focus in my academics, but it  is not CSS that is keeping me from my studies. I am not studying and doing the work because I do not want to do them. I start reading and doing projekts, but won't finish it before I go on to the next thing. I feel I am becoming a failure that will never quit.

My friend passed away one week before school started. I went to school not wanting to do anything. Two weeks after my friend, Leeza passed away, a community member, familiar to my brother and CSS, passed away two weeks after Leeza passed away. I went to another funeral four weeks after Leeza's. Two months after Leeza's passing I visit her at the Cathedral where I thought she is too cramp. Leeza would rather prefer being in an open environment where she can roam the streets and see what's going on on the outside world. Anyhow, during those eight months, my Dad's situation with cancer was seemingly getting worse, my mom became ill, and the bitch living in my family home and her fuck buddy was harassing my family.

With my friends, I decided to filter out my friends and draw myself away from some people. Going through Leeza's passing, I had friends who were there for me and friends who asked questions about my well being and my family's well being. I also had friends who did not say anything at all, not make a comment or ask questions. Then there was that person who did not ask how I am doing or how Leeza's family is, but rather that person just said sorry and that she never met Leeza and never have. Disregarding whether or not you met a person, it's inconsiderate to imply that you don't care about the person because you never met the person. During these two months I also had conflicts with people, some of them are still my friends and one of them is not a friend of mine anymore. We had too many conflicts when we were friends and we still have conflicts as colleagues. I also have officers of CSS talking shit about me behind my back. How I see it is that they do not like me doing my job nor that I do it beyond expectations as well as expecting more of them. This makes working with the officers of CSS much difficult. I do realize that I work with the president of this term much better than I thought. In fact, I am much closer to Mike than I am with anyone of the officers this term and we are not really close friends.

So much shit was going wrong, I could not do anything but be upset and dwell on those things. When I wasn't crying about the lost of my friend, I was crying about my parents' poor health. When I try to keep myself busy to distract myself from all the pain I was going through I was losing friends because my expectation has changed. When I do have academic priorities, I don't complete them. I just don't seem to care enough about the direction my life is going. I'm sad, upset, miserable, depressed, angry...yet I feel optimistic. Maybe I have too much hope. My good day will come.

For the first month since Leeza passed away, I cried every single day. I cried in the morning when I wake up and remember that she's not here with us. I cried during the day, especially in classes, when I think about her presence at campus. I cried at night when the television is off and I'm laying in bed waiting to fall asleep. I cry when I see magenta/teal/purple because those are her colors. I cried mentioning her name. I just cried everyday all the time. Now I think about her  absence less, but I still miss her so much and still shed tears.

When she left us, I was upset that I couldn't remember the times she spent with me. I was afraid to open my eyes in the dark fearing I would see her swift by me. I was afraid to dream because I fear seeing her at her worst and that I would not be able to remember her at her best. I always wanted to keep myself busy because I was afraid that I would cry my eyes red and dry  and I would have no energy to live anymore.

I have not let her go, have not let the situation go, have not forgiven that she is gone. I cry less, but nonetheless I still cry and I still have fears. If there is  anything that has really changed is how I live my life. For better or worst, I live my life differently.

I fear everyday that I may lose someone. I think about my parents' death and how I might handle it. Anytime someone becomes sick I fear losing them. I decided to filter some people out of my life, people I think are selfish or are more conflict to me then they are beneficial. I decided to steer myself away from certain people and became closer to others. I am depressed and miserable, but I will never give up because Leeza would never have wanted it.

iFLYLTK <3

Tomorrow is the two month anniversary of Leeza Therna Kim's death.

Since she passed I have not had a good day. I still cry when I think about her. Susan is confused now and still cries often.

Life has not been comfortable this year. I hope for a better day tomorrow and many more this year.

On Friday, August 21, 2009, I lost a friend I watched grow up with my little sister since they were in sixth grade. I never experienced a lost like this before and it hurts more than anything I have experienced in my lifetime up to now. I am crying as I think of her and write this right now.

On Tuesday, August 18, 2009, Leeza Therna Kim entered the hospital just one month after she turned 19 years old. She passed out choking and her asthma had a more dire consequence on her than an average person did. She passed out lacking oxygen to her brain until she was transported to the hospital. Her family did not know what was wrong or what to do so they called the ambulance and waited for the medical assistants to help her. Because she was lacking oxygen to the brain, she went into a coma and damaged the personality part of the brain, which means she loses all memories of herself and everything she once knew. She went into two cardiac arrests. The second cardiac arrest was triggered when the nurses put her on her side to change her clothes. Her lungs collapsed and she was then permanently brain damaged, then the doctor pronounced her legally dead. Around eleven o'clock her family decides to pull the plug after her friends and family saw her at the hospital one last itme.

I was waiting in the hospital for two days waiting with her family and friends for an update, waiting for good news, but good news never came.  People cried at the hospital for days. When they pulled the plug, everyone at the hospital seemed to not cry anymore, as if everyone is out of tears. It was the strangest thing I have ever witness. We lost someone, but we all felt like it was time to move to the next step: to make sure she lives in our memories forever by making shirts, bracelets, organizing a car wash, having blessings done at her family's house.  We all kept busy and kept moving. I suppose we all kept going because none of us wanted to stop because freezing in this time will only allow us to think about our lost and the only thing we'll do is cry and wallow over it.

I haven't been able to let go and I haven't felt good about anything since I found out Wednesday night that she was in the hospital. I never lost a friend before. I never lost anyone close to me before. She may not have been my close friend, but she was like a little sister to me. I cry every night I go to sleep and I cry every time I think of her or hear her name. I am angry about this lost, angry because it could have been prevented. I'm afraid to see her in my dreams fearing that I wake up feeling terrible. She was one of the greatest person I ever known. She was always optimistic, influenced people to change for the best, helped out in the communities, was involved with campus organizations. She was absolutely creative about everything she did, considerate about other's emotions, was eager to learn and always attempted things as if she knew she couldn't fail. She had a great perspective on life and never took anything nor anyone for granted. She was someone I knew would be my friend forever and someone I never want to let go. I love you, Leeza Therna Kim.
 

 

Michael S. called me early today, actually he called me during class. Usually I wouldn't pick up during class, but I picked up for Mike only because I know he calls for productive reasons. He called me offer me another chance to be on cabinet for the Cambodian Student Society.

I was the Internal Public Relations Officer of CSS during the 2008 -2009 term. My term is ending this summer. I consider the term over already. I ran for President for the 2009 - 2010 term and lost to Michael. I was not disappointed because I have confidence in Michael being a great contribution to the cabinet for CSS.

I haven't given him an answer, I need time to think about this. I said I will let him know when my summer class is done with. I don't want to think about CSS while still in summer class.

We'll have to see what I say, though I think I already know...

May 23rd, I asked a girl if she wants us to be girlfriends. Stupid me I asked her when she was drunk. Urgh! When she sobered up and walked onto the beach where I was, we sat and had a conversation about her while a little boy was asleep with his head on my lap. I bring up the situation and she seems to be confused about what she wants. On the drive home from the beach, on the drive to her home, she asks me if I like her. My "wtf" moment is that entire drive to her place. I asked for us to be girlfriends so I don't see why she needs to ask whether or not I like her. Right now, I'm confused and I'm frustrated with her. I'm not sure what she wants.

Last night, while at my friend's place for movie night, she texts me random messages for three hours. I was pissed about getting a message from her after the morning we had. I didn't want to talk to her, but I text her anyway.

What will happen now I don't know, but I feel like it's already too complicated. Ah, I just got what "It's complicated" means.

I admit I am a dumb girl.

We weren't talking for a couple of weeks. I knew I was at wrong; I was a bitch and hard to work with. We were at a friend's house one night for business and in silence between us we stood in the same room. It took another friend to challenge me to speak to you that I asked you to step outside to converse. Awkward as it was, I'm glad I stepped to you and continued a speaking when I didn't really want to speak. I could have waited another two weeks before that awkward tension was gone.

I want to take a sabbatical! Screw you CSS! I'm gone...see you on January 09, 2009. Psh, what's a retreat when you gotta see the people you see so often?

Fuck you and your centerness. Fuck you and your arrogance. Fuck you and your ignorance. Just...Fuck You and You! 

I will shamefully self destruct again.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Today is one of those days where I just fuck up. I opened my mouth and got into trouble. I should have kept my mouth shut at the meeting and when talking to Person A and Person B.

The pile of shit that is all the problems in my life is piling up. I broke down on campus, I broke down driving home, I thought about intentional causing an accident on the freeway. Today, I wanted to fail miserably, but that would be ridiculous.

I arrived home about twenty minutes ago being dropped off by Lawrece's parents.

Lawrece was bored and called me up a short time before eleven this night. He was already in his car when he called, I suggested he go out for a drive and pick me up to go with him. He comes over, we leave, drove around aimlessly at first, then we end up at Naples, Long Beach, California. We go for a little walk around one area, literally in a circle, and end up close to where we started. We stood at the bridge for a while where he tells me about ghost stories in Long Beach. We go back to the car, he turns his key to start the car, and the car dies on us. We were stuck in Naples.

Rece called his parents to pick us up. It was the first time I met them and I think I made a bad impression on them already. I didn't say anything dumb or acted crazy, but I was out with their son late at night. That doesn't look with any Asian parent, certainly not mine and I do not think it does with Rece's parents as well.

It was, for lack of a better word, an interesting night.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, I walked around with my sarong on the entire night out with Rece.

Let this be on the record, I have a job! It's my first job, it's a temporary job at the campus Art store. Eh, at least I'm making some cash.

Event	Date	Time	Place
Mtg	May 30th	6:30p	USU 306
Grad Party	June 7th	6:30p - 8:30p	Soroptimist House
Potluck Picnic	June 14th	12:00p - 5:00p	Liberty Park
KUG	June 21st

I'm not looking forward to spending time at home this winter. I love MY family; Mom, Dad, lil bro, and lil sister. It's that bitch that lives here I [and no one else] can tolerate. WE all want her gone and out of our lives. The reasons she's not gone yet is because she's still mooching on all of us and having her bastard boyfriend mooch off of us as well. Also, my parents don't want to kick her out of the house. As much as they hate her, and I know that sounds horrible, but they don't want to be bad parents by putting their child on the street. If it were me, I'd  kick the disrespectful, ungrateful, disgraceful bitch out of the house two years ago when all this shit happened.

She has created war with all of us.  My brother has gotten in on this war too. We're all fighting our own war here but we're all fighting the same war. For each person, she acts a different kind of evil with us. Name calling, telling our friends and co workers lies, She's a pathetic little bitch and she's no more worthy than a pile of shit.

I know I sound terrible, but it has been TWO years with the same old shit everyday. We all stepped back long enough. I can't wait on kharma to take control, I am going to beat the shit out of that bitch the next time she fucks around with me. With everyone else, they are going to have to fight their own war. However, I will step in if she actual throws a fists or make another threat to have her fucking bastard boyfriend beat up her brother. Seriously, what kind of fucking bitch has her stupid boyfriend [who breaks up with her every fucking day] to hit her own brother.

This bitch evenly lies with confident to our parents face now. She's fucking proud of herself. If she weren't proud of sucking dick and bring him home to my parents home every night, then she must be proud of herself.

The only thing that fucking dick is doing for her is teaching her how to be a better bitch; learning new curse words, harsher insults. She's not smart enough to come up with her own insults, but that's what the dick is for. He tells her how to insult and she comes home and uses it on her family...yeah, everyone in the family.

That bitch is dead to me. I'm done pitying her, feeling sad, treat her with any little respect she doesn't deserve. I'm fighting and keeping track. It's not going to be fair, but hasn't been fair for too long. We used try to ignore her thinking maybe she'll change, but that didn't work. I was optimistic, but I'm naive.

Here's to a cold winter.

Funniest photo from CSS Ice Skating Fundraiser event '07.

F

I was on Second Street, as I am often, and stopped to hang out with a small group of people at a booth. Andrew, Robert [Andrew’s brother], Angela, and Matt.

I spent 4 to 5 hours in the photo lab yesterday not knowing what to do. I took with me some nylon rope, cotton, gel, plastic sheets, and picked some flowers on campus.

I do not have a concept, no idea what I'm doing. I'm just throwing stuff on paper. I'm trying to avoid doing the expected thing, which is to take any object and place it on the photo paper to make a photogram of that object. I might just do that if I feel like I am lagging this too long.

I was just playing around in the lab, making a mess, made some prints, just thinking about stuff to do. Anyway, on to the photos...

Images are untouched, haven't been cropped, are only tests.