Danni

May 23rd, I asked a girl if she wants us to be girlfriends. Stupid me I asked her when she was drunk. Urgh! When she sobered up and walked onto the beach where I was, we sat and had a conversation about her while a little boy was asleep with his head on my lap. I bring up the situation and she seems to be confused about what she wants. On the drive home from the beach, on the drive to her home, she asks me if I like her. My "wtf" moment is that entire drive to her place. I asked for us to be girlfriends so I don't see why she needs to ask whether or not I like her. Right now, I'm confused and I'm frustrated with her. I'm not sure what she wants.

Last night, while at my friend's place for movie night, she texts me random messages for three hours. I was pissed about getting a message from her after the morning we had. I didn't want to talk to her, but I text her anyway.

What will happen now I don't know, but I feel like it's already too complicated. Ah, I just got what "It's complicated" means.

I admit I am a dumb girl.

I want to take a sabbatical! Screw you CSS! I'm gone...see you on January 09, 2009. Psh, what's a retreat when you gotta see the people you see so often?

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Today is one of those days where I just fuck up. I opened my mouth and got into trouble. I should have kept my mouth shut at the meeting and when talking to Alex and Mike.

The pile of shit that is all the problems in my life is piling up. I broke down on campus, I broke down driving home, I thought about intentional causing an accident on the freeway. Today, I wanted to fail miserably, but that would be ridiculous.

I arrived home about twenty minutes ago being dropped off by Lawrece's parents.

Lawrece was bored and called me up a short time before eleven this night. He was already in his car when he called, I suggested he go out for a drive and pick me up to go with him. He comes over, we leave, drove around aimlessly at first, then we end up at Naples, Long Beach, California. We go for a little walk around one area, literally in a circle, and end up close to where we started. We stood at the bridge for a while where he tells me about ghost stories in Long Beach. We go back to the car, he turns his key to start the car, and the car dies on us. We were stuck in Naples.

Rece called his parents to pick us up. It was the first time I met them and I think I made a bad impression on them already. I didn't say anything dumb or acted crazy, but I was out with their son late at night. That doesn't look with any Asian parent, certainly not mine and I do not think it does with Rece's parents as well.

It was, for lack of a better word, an interesting night.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, I walked around with my sarong on the entire night out with Rece.

Let this be on the record, I have a job! It's my first job, it's a temporary job at the campus Art store. Eh, at least I'm making some cash.

Event	Date	Time	Place
Mtg	May 30th	6:30p	USU 306
Grad Party	June 7th	6:30p - 8:30p	Soroptimist House
Potluck Picnic	June 14th	12:00p - 5:00p	Liberty Park
KUG	June 21st

Funniest photo from CSS Ice Skating Fundraiser event '07.

F

I was on Second Street, as I am often, and stopped to hang out with a small group of people at a booth. Andrew, Robert [Andrew’s brother], Angela, and Matt.

I spent 4 to 5 hours in the photo lab yesterday not knowing what to do. I took with me some nylon rope, cotton, gel, plastic sheets, and picked some flowers on campus.

I do not have a concept, no idea what I'm doing. I'm just throwing stuff on paper. I'm trying to avoid doing the expected thing, which is to take any object and place it on the photo paper to make a photogram of that object. I might just do that if I feel like I am lagging this too long.

I was just playing around in the lab, making a mess, made some prints, just thinking about stuff to do. Anyway, on to the photos...

Images are untouched, haven't been cropped, are only tests.

 

 

Another website for me to adore...

At home, I'm back online.

Ooo, I received another note from a professor. This time, it wasn't so sad but still of concern. I think Mariann [Photography professor] must concerned about my project for her to email me asking me what I am going to do and suggesting what I should do. I wonder if I am the only person not shooting on film.

I am reconsidering my photo assignment. I'm not changing the technical stuff, I am reconsidering the concept. I would like to fall back on the fractal idea, but might run with telling a story instead...daily routines / media / social consciousness... I really want to play around with this. I need to think about stuff to use and how to set things up.

I have not been in the lab since the project have been assigned, and project is due December 13th. I'm not too concern with time, I at least have some ideas on what to do and objects/materials to use. I just need to get my ass in to the lab and start experimenting.

The thing about Chet is she thinks she is the center of the UNIVERSE. She thinks without her, our family cannot function. She thinks we are privileged to have her.

I thought things were changing...I thought she was changing, but nothing have changed at all. She is still a selfish, self-centered, bigot who is nothing but a plague on this family. She makes us wish we were dead just so we don't have to tolerate her anymore.

I don't have money to move out and live on my own, and the parents don't want to be strict on her because they believe in not punishing her for the shit she does because it will only make her a more horrible person. My thought is she is already a terrible person and nothing can make her worse than she is now. If we kick her out now, nothing is going to change for her but a lot will be better for us.

I guess I still have a lot of hatred for that person. I can pretend she's not a bitch and that I am not bothered by the shit she does, but then she goes and do shit and I just despise her more. I have not felt so much hatred for a person before.


Urgh, hatred. It's a horrible thing.

Ilford Delta 100
Kodak D-76
Scanned
No photoshopping

You cannot control others, so continue to treat them as you wish they would treat you.

As an insult, Chet calls me Fag. I am Fag in her phone, Fag when mentioned, Fag when arguing [which is rare since I hardly talk to her]. I am a fag as an insult.

She has become a bigot and not realize it.

Hatred truly is horrible. How do I stay positive when a family member labels every other member with such disgusting words?

Lethargic
Not happy
Not sad
Overwhelmed
Not cheerful
Not angry
Frustrated
Not ecstatic
Not stressed
Discontent
Not amused
Not annoyed
Melancholy
Not enthusiastic
Not depressed
Apathetic
Not creative
Not idle

Confused

I was in the hospital taking some care of Chet again.